June is “LGBTQ+ Awareness and Pride Month.”

This is often shown by “Rainbow Capitalism” (a phrase that means corporations put out “Pride” themed items as a way to drive profits off the backs of people who identify as “LGBT+”), the stale arguments on Twitter around “Kink at Pride” and now “Is Polyamory part of the LGBT+?”

Disclaimer: This post will touch in serious subjects such as bullying, suicide, sex, sexuality, and other potentially triggering topics – if you are not in the right headspace, I suggest clicking away.

Before I start my posts for this month, I want to discuss my journey from when I was young to now – at almost 30 – and where I fit into the LGBT+.

I remember being quite young (around 6-7) when I realized I “liked girls.” Around this time, it would have been the early 2000s, and being “queer” was not as accepted as it is in more recent years. So I never admitted it, but I had crushes on boys and girls in my classes.

It wasn’t until I was 12-13, when I met a boy in my math class in 7th grade who was openly gay, that I realized… it wasn’t just me. And it turns out there was a whole group who was just like me (on all parts of the spectrum of the LGBT+ rainbow). I was accepted into this group and I felt really at home with this group. I was the “token straight” to them, probably, since I wasn’t out. But their support (and the support of my best friends and big brother) made me feel safe enough to finally come out and admit – “Hey, guys, I’m bisexual.” I was then bullied because in the suburbs in Oklahoma? Rumors spread and some of the bullying was so bad… well, I almost became a statistic.

I moved after 8th grade and started high school in a Missouri high school. I was pretty open at school and joined the school’s Gay-Straight Alliance (oh my god, there are more people than that small group? What? This is amazing!). I was still bullied and had a few pretty hateful people who made my life suck and I was in a pretty bad spot. Sure, I was “weird” but there were two girls who soured me to most Christian-adjacent religions (one was “Christian” and the other was “Catholic”) because they were so terrible to me.

I went to the GSA meetings when I could (I wasn’t out to my parents, so I wasn’t able to go unless they aligned with Anime Club days, band days, or before school). I made a few friends who accepted me for who I was and it was amazing.

I told my dad first, because he had a gay cousin or two, and my mom was pretty homophobic (especially around “those lesbians” I did cosplay with). He accepted me. Which was great, but we totally kept it from my mom because she didn’t present as a safe person. Honestly, my home life was pretty volatile and abusive, so it was difficult to do anything with my authoritarian mom. But I marched in the Pride Parade, wore the shirts to school, participated in “Day of Silence,” and really grew a lot as a person and became comfortable with my sexuality.

I graduated high school. I was 18. My mom hadn’t lived with us for years. She and my dad got divorced, and dragged me through the middle of it – they should have divorced earlier. Don’t “stay together for the kids,” it does more harm than good. I digress. I was in college. In my own dorm. My first bout with college, I was still identifying as bisexual. And I joined my college’s GSA. I also joined a group called Growing American Youth and marched in Pride Parades with them. I was living out and proud.

Then I took several steps back. The years 2013-2015 were the days of the “Anti-SJWs” and I was a pretty hateful bitch. Sure I was bisexual but I wasn’t a feminist and there was no need for all those genders and flags. It was overkill. Call it unintentional radicalization, call it my depression, my surroundings, the people I was around, or the fact that I was listening to the likes of “Internet Bloodsports” because I like rhetoric as a subject. It was a bad time. I was in a massive depressive state, I was drinking heavily and had a slew of terrible relationships. All which have taught me many things about who I would grow into a few years later.

2015, my life changed in a way that I was not expecting. I turned 21 (yes, I was drinking before 21 – a bad decision on my part) and I ended a relationship (with a bit of overlap between the previous person and the next person, though I had been finished with the relationship for a month… it was still shitty). It had been really bad at the end. When I was 21, my family took me out. My boyfriend (I hadn’t quite cut it off yet) had ditched me on my birthday, so I called a friend of mine who had gotten out of a pretty serious relationship – turns out his plans fell through. I spent my night drinking with him, one thing lead to another (seriously, I was a shitty person at this point in my life). The next day, I broke up with my boyfriend because it was convenient (okay, so I shouldn’t have done it during dinner, that was poor judgment).

Let’s move to 2019 – I am in a relationship with someone I love. Like forever person kind of love. I start a friends-with-benefits relationship with someone. I catch feelings and I am confused. Because I was taught open relationships were fine if everyone agreed. But you’re not supposed to get attached, does this mean I need to break up with my current partner? Well, we had several friends who are polyamorous and have multiple partners. And as I do the research and read everything I can get my hands on (The Ethical Slut was a great one to start with). I read blogs, tumblogs, Twitter, and do a lot of talking to these friends… and when I thought about it.. it just clicked. I had “always had a wandering eye” according to a few previous partners… I had cheated more than once… I had always had conflicting feelings. I wasn’t a cheater (okay, yes I did cheat, but in this sense, no): I just had a lot of love to give and I gave myself to people openly.

I also realized in the last few years, I am panromantic. I will touch on this in the next few posts, but it is important to understand that gender, romance, and sexuality all exist on different spectrums – though they are related. And they are very personal to the person they affect. “Panromantic” just means I am absolutely capable of having a romantic connection with just about anyone (from the Latin pan- meaning “all). Though sexually, I am more hetero-leaning when I am feeling a want of sex (which would also put me on the “asexual” spectrum – again, in another post in the works).

I mentioned “queer, panromantic, and polyamorous,” earlier. So, to break it down after all this – I say I am “queer” because my sexual and romantic preferences do not line up. If I disclose I am “bisexual” most people (especially older or less educated people) will ask invasive questions (seriously, why do they always ask about the sexual appetite).

I also like the recognization of the differences, because it shows that you do not need sex to be in a functioning relationship. I learned this with the person I call my “primary partner” (meaning I live with them or have been in a long-term relationship with them – sometimes referred to as “nesting partner). I have romantic feelings for them, but neither of us seems to have a need for sex. However, as a “cis-woman” (meaning my gender matches my sex assigned at birth) I have to deal with hormones that can cause fluctuations in “wanting” or “need” for sex. Typically though, I ignore them because I find them annoying, and happen at the most inopportune times (like when I am streaming, cleaning, or doing something more important).

Hell, the recognition offers a more healthy outlook on how you can be in platonic relationships and have “life partners,” like my best friend of 20+ years started the joke of being “non-sexual life partners” when we were younger, but there’s also nothing romantic there. We’re just similarly minded and understand each other in a way others don’t (outside of our partners).

Now, polyamory does come with some jealousy and other normal feelings found in monogamy – but that doesn’t mean you’re “doing polyamory wrong,” because jealousy is normal. But, I will cover that in the upcoming Polyamory post.

To wrap this up – how you identify is personal to you. You may at first identify as bisexual and it may evolve, or you may identify as “bisexual” forever. I just wanted to give you my own identity to kick off June.