Content Warning: Discussion of disordered eating (Anorexia, Bulimia), abusive parenting, calorie restriction, dubious consent, and other sensitive topics are discussed in this post. If these are not conducive to your mental health, please click away.
If you grew up in the mid-2000s or had access to Nickelodeon between 2007 and 2012, you may remember the tween sitcom iCarly – a show about a weird girl and her two friends who run a popular web show.
You may even be familiar with the scandals of the Creator/Producer – Dan Schneider. Dan Schneider had a nice laundry list of his behavior ranging from an alleged foot fetish to his abusive behavior on set. He produced or created a handful of popular TV shows and movies from the mid-2000s (i.e. All That, Good Burger, Big Fat Liar, iCarly, Victorious, and Drake and Josh).
If you watched iCarly, you are probably familiar with the titular Carly’s rambunctious and violent best friend – Samantha Puckett, played by Jennette McCurdy.
I read I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy
I like memoirs. I like memoirs of actresses with attitude problems, specifically. I began my interest in memoirs after reading Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology by Leah Remini. I was already interested in alleged cults and I think Leah Remini is hilarious.
When I found out I could reserve I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy at one of the local libraries around me, I did it immediately. Her title was provocative and I had seen some reviews about the book – namely Savvy Write’s Books’ video about it.
I was expecting to have a several-month wait on the book as the book has been released sometime in the last two weeks. I was shocked when I got the notification on 16 August that I was able to check it out.
And so I began my journey with I’m Glad My Mom Died.
A Sassy Writing Style Fits
This book begins with a dedication to McCurdy’s 3 brothers – Marcus, Dustin, and Scottie.
McCurdy’s writing has a unique voice that fits the ups and downs we come to see through the book. We see McCurdy’s devotion to her ailing mother in the very beginning with the phrase: “It’s strange how we always give big news to loved ones in a coma as if a come is just a thing that happens from a lack of something to be excited about in your life. (Page IX)”
This prologue will set the scene for the narrative voice of the entire book. As such, the whole 2-page prologue sells that you are in for a roller coaster ride.
McCurdy sells this with the quote, “I’m about to bring in the big guns. […] ‘Mommy. I am… so skinny now. I am finally down to eighty-nine pounds (Page IX).”
This is where McCurdy does bring in “the big guns” and a focal point of her memoir: “My life purpose has always been to make Mom happy, to be who she wants me to be. So without Mom, who am I supposed to be now? (Page IX)”
McCurdy’s Mom Shows Textbook Narcissistic Characteristics
In the first three chapters, McCurdy discusses her life as a child. Beginning with a reminiscence of her birthday where she gets a Rugrats two-piece set with ruffles and flowers and talks about how her mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer.
She states that her mother loved recounting her cancer story from chemo to mastectomy and the “stage fourness of it.” To state this, McCurdy has a perfect turn of phrase on page seven: “Mom reminisces about cancer the way most people reminisce about vacations.”
McCurdy paints the perfect picture of a mother who was so self-absorbed with going through a harrowing and horrible medical diagnosis so much as retelling how her mother would force her family, every Sunday after church, to watch home videos she made after her diagnosis. McCurdy was roughly two when her mother was diagnosed with cancer.
Her mother would comment on McCurdy being a “stinker” for being a typical 2-year-old child and singing g”Jingle Bells” when her mother, Debra, was dying of cancer. McCurdy comments on this: “How could I possibly be so upbeat when my surroundings were so obviously heavy? I was two. (Pg 7)” McCurdy would go on on page 8, ” Age is no excuse. I feel tremendous guilt every time we rewatch the home video. How could I not have known better? What a stupid idiot. How could I have not sensed what Mom needed? That she needed all of us to be serious […] To be devastated.”
As an adult, seeing through a child’s eyes, McCurdy was already feeling guilt over things her mother would say to her.
The chapter ends with her birthday party and the wish she would make: “I wish that Mom will stay alive another year. (Pg 8)”
Counting Calories are a Family Affair
McCurdy hit puberty and it is common knowledge for those of us raised in the secular world (not so much the Mormon world McCurdy was raised in) that once you start puberty, curves begin to grow in places there weren’t anymore. In McCurdy’s case on page 89 – she was growing “boobies.” Knowing her mother’s history with cancer, McCurdy – understandably – panicked thinking some lumps could be cancerous on her chest.
After an explanation from her mother, the realization dawns on McCurdy – she was growing up which was way worse given she was being cast in Hollywood in younger roles. So she asks her mother “What can I do to stop the boobies from coming? (Pg 89)”
Her mother’s solution is a simple one: “Well, sweetheart, if you really want to know how to stay small, there’s this secret thing you can do… it’s called calorie restriction. (Pg 89)”
Due to McCurdy’s eager want to please her mother – who is shown to have violent bouts for not getting her way – is desperate to impress Debra. And she recounts her mother’s own recounting of how Debra had been restricted for so long: “Once when I was falling asleep as a child, I heard my mom and dad talking in the other room. They said my brother could eat anything and his metabolism would work it off but anything I ate turned to fat. Those words got to me, Net, they really did. I’ve been restricting ever since (Pg 90).”
This points to generational trauma that stems from McCurdy’s grandmother being abusive towards Debra (which I will touch on later).
From the moment Debra introduces McCurdy to restrictions, the two of them are doing it together: splitting meals, learning about water-dense foods, how chili peppers “increase metabolism,” etc. McCurdy figures out basically that with her 1000 calories, if she ate half the food, should only take in half the calories, causing weight loss faster! She would show her mother her half-eaten “meals” and her mother would be proud of the fact her daughter was staying thin via anorexia.
McCurdy goes on to discuss how sugar-free popsicles, applesauce, and iced tea are all “safe foods.” This is common in disordered eating where those affected will have a small list of “safe” foods like “diet” cranberry juice because it is “peed out” of your system, same with Mio water enhancers and broths.
McCurdy goes on to talk about how she is a kids’ size 7 slim s teenager. She also talks about how she develops OCD and thinks it is “the Holy Spirit” speaking to her, and how her grandfather tells his daughter that her child is exhibiting “rituals” where she seems “frantic” while doing them. This is waved off by Debra because “Jennette is “perfect.”
The Abuse Goes Beyond Anorexia (Content Warning: Implied Sexual Abuse)
Chapter 27 opens with Debra calling for McCurdy: “Net! Shower Time! (Pg 98).”
McCurdy tells how her whole body freezes and talks about how her mother still showers her now pre-teen daughter, sometimes with her sixteen-year-old son. How do the siblings look away from each other? The older brother asks to shower and Debra becomes hysterical about how she didn’t want him to “grow up.”
McCurdy discusses how her mother would give her breast and “front butt” (“private part”) exams, regardless of if her older brother was there or not. The mother uses the excuse that is quite common among alleged sexual predators** who are in the family or close to the family: “She says she wants to make sure I don’t have any mysterious lumps or bumps because those could be cancer. (Pg 98)”
While these “exams” happen, McCurdy, discussed how she would “just try and think of Disneyland (Pg 99)” and how her “breathing is shaky” and her hands are clammy. She dissociates.
Fame Leads to Resentment
It is no secret that living vicariously through your children could eventually lead to them not having a “sense of self.” This is what Debra was doing to McCurdy. The fame that McCurdy gained would cause her mother to make her practice her signature over and over. How her mother would tell the person who wanted photos of McCurdy “Get one more! Or two more, Just in case! (Pg 120.”
McCurdy recounts this: “Fame has put a wedge between Mom and me that I didn’t think was possible. She wanted this. And I wanted her to have it. I wanted her to be happy. But now that I have it, I realize she’s happy and I’m not. Her happiness came at the cost of mine. I feel robbed and exploited. (Pg 121).”
We can look to Nina W Brown’s Children of the Self-Absorbed, Pg 44 to further explain this as children of narcissists cannot reveal their true selves to their parents as it would lead to the disappointment of the parent.
McCurdy discusses this when she tells her mom she wants to quit acting and her mom breaks into hysterics because it was “their dream.”
The Return of Debra’s Cancer and a Taste of Freedom
McCurdy receives her first taste of freedom on her Generation Love Tour which was a mall tour to promote her country music career. During this time, McCurdy would find out how living in her mother’s presence was freeing in a way.
Page 132 has McCurdy’s feelings on living on a tour bus: “The first thing I’m noticing is that a part of Mr is enjoying myself. […] I feel free. I’m even able to shower myself.”
Unfortunately, right before she was to go on this tour, her mother’s cancer came back.
With the stress of the tour, the freedom away from her mother, and the stress of her mother’s cancer – McCurdy discovers that she’s eating “a lot.” She’s bringing food instead of restricting and it causes her to gain ten or so pounds.
Another thing this newfound freedom awakens is a spark and want to kiss a boy – something frowned upon by her Mormon religion. The end of the chapter shows the naivete that McCurdy has towards her body (before her hitting puberty and eventually getting her period at 16), “I pull out my phone to text him, but just as I’m about to, there’s an odd pulse in my vagina. It feels warm. I reach my hand into my pants and pull it out. My fingers are wet. This is gross. I need to shower.”
Again, due to her Mormon upbringing where abstinence is preached, there is little education in sex ed – especially if you’re homeschooled like McCurdy was. As such, she was not exposed to what arousal does to her body and that what she was experiencing at the time of being kissed by a boy in her hotel room was completely normal.
‘The Creator’ and His Pull
The Creator in this novel has no name. It is implied that it is Dan Schneider – the Creator and Producer of iCarly and Sam & Cat (the shows McCurdy was on). He is probably named as such as he was all but blacklisted from children’s entertainment for his… alleged proclivities towards underage girls’ feet and his abusive tactics as a producer. There have been implications on things McCurdy has not said in her videos on previously popular service Vine. She’s also discussed her experience with him – without naming him directly on The Mikhaila Peterson Podcast #39.
There is an awkward and, honestly, gross scene where “The Creator” touches McCurdy and she gets goosebumps, gives her his jacket (what a gentleman), and then tells her “You’re so tense (Pg 141)” and proceeds to give her a back massage. This is absolutely out of pocket, considering “The Creator” if it is who it was implied to be is about twice McCurdy’s age.
Living Alone – But Not Really
McCurdy moved to Burbank to shoot Sam & Cat. As any woman in her 20s – McCurdy was excited: “I get to be on my own. I get space to myself. Life to myself (Pg 144).”
As she is becoming more independent, a wedge has grown – due to resentment – between her and her mother: “She’s gotten more desperate and I’ve gotten angrier. (Pg 144)”
Her mother asks to spend the night as she didn’t have chemo the next day and the chapter ends with “This is not my first-ever solo apartment. This is our apartment. We are roommates. (Pg 145)”
The succeeding chapter sets up a romance between a much other producer named Joe who has a girlfriend already. He breaks up with his girlfriend for McCurdy.
As her mother lives with her, McCurdy comes up with a lie that she was sleeping over with cast member Miranda Cosgrove. The truth was she was going to a hotel room with Joe. McCurdy laments how her mother sleeps in her bed every night and “it’s hard to seep because she clings to me all night long. (Pg 147)”
Her mother gets the feeling McCurdy is lying and Debra picks up the remote and chucks it at her. “You’re LYING to me, you LIAR […] Mark my words, you FILTHY LITTLE LYING WHORE. (Pg 147)”
Her relationship with Joe is not healthy at all. He breaks up with his girlfriend of 5 years for McCurdy. And She asks him as he is drunk and laying on a hotel bed “I thought you wanted this (Pg 148)” As a response, the drunk grown man courting a 17-18-year-old girl, gets upset that she won’t have sex with him. McCurdy is eventually coerced into giving him a blow job. Again, as the Mormon homeschool curriculum is not set up to teach sex ed – she has no idea about semen.
A wrapped gift from Nickelodeon, McCurdy gets a vacation to Hawaii. She invited her boyfriend of 3 months, Joe, Paparazzi pictures are taken and her mother reacts as any narcissistic mother would – in anger and calling her a “little slut” and a “floozy.” Before using a post-script to “send money for a new fridge.”
And as any narcissistic mother would blame McCurdy for her cancer coming back. That McCurdy “gave her cancer.”
We Come Full Circle to the Coma
Debra suffers a seizure due to the tumor in her brain in her father’s car while McCurdy and they are going out to eat together.
Her stress causes her to binge and she tries to purge for the first time.
Her relationship with Joe ends.
As a wrap gift for the final episode of iCarly, Miranda and McCurdy have a sleepover at a 5-star hotel. As they are heading out the next day, Debra calls McCurdy in a panic as she is going under the knife because her implant has popped and is leaking., She ends up in a coma.
We’re back to McCurdy trying to wake her mother.
Overall Thoughts
To not spoil the rest of the memoir, I am going to give my final thoughts.
This is not a memoir to read for the faint of heart. There is child abuse, dubious consent in relationships, and discussion of serious mental health.
Reading this, I cannot help but draw parallels to my own life as well. I relate to living with an emotionally mature parent who wanted me to be perfect and act the way she wanted at all times – acting out when she did not get her way. Or I did not perform to her standards.
Struggling with some form of disordered eating also made this a hard read. McCurdy discusses her struggles with recovery and how after her mother died, she had no sense of self. How she wasn’t sure who she was supposed to be without her mother.
It’s something I am currently struggling with. My mom is still alive, but I struggle with finding my sense of self because I was told what I should and shouldn’t do, how I should and shouldn’t act, and constantly compared to my cousin – who was constantly setting the curve of grades (salutatorian of his high school, honor roll, robotics team, an almost perfect school on the ACT and an almost full ride to college) while I was just barely performing “at my potential” by my mom’s standards. I stopped caring.
My lack of caring is something McCurdy exhibits when she begins lying to her mother, her job, and eventually her relationships. She realizes eventually that she needs to get help – and she does.
I highly recommend reading this memoir. McCurdy has a sassy voice that is written in the present tense (which is uncommon for most memoirs) and executes both a cynical voice while voicing her inner child with a talent I haven’t seen in memoirs before, as they are often written strictly from the perspective of the full-grown author.
I’m Glad My Mom Died is available for purchase digitally and physically.
**Note: I am not saying Debra sexually abused her children – I am commenting on the common excuse sexual predators use to abuse children.